Caution : What you could come across in the process.

Insignificant references to my life, an abstract and distracted thought sequel, monotony, inconsistency, vague vague perception, whorish intellectualism, feminist bullshit, armchair activism, causes I try to relate to, sharp sarcasm, even sharper criticism, frivolous details.

Nonetheless Happy Reading.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Right out of the survival books..

I couldn't deny the fact that I needed her and the things she did.They zigzagged their way into my survival book.How many of those things posed the bigger question.Had I not seen this coming before? Of all the things racing towards their destination I knew "help" wasn't one of them.Answers needed to be dug out of their graves.It was essential for me to be on good terms with the world.At the same time I found the experience mortifying.I hated it and this was no secret.Details couldn't flourish on their own.They needed the support of human existence.And now I've lost my train of thought.

I've watched her afar,up close and personal.She harbors the great Indian dream spinning it into different spools of flavors,colors and textures.Its 8 'o clock in the morning she steps out of her bath soft skinned and fresh,drapes herself around in a crisp sari and leaves her unwashed hair uncombed.Then she applies an insignificant bit of kohl under the rims of her eyelids.Some amount of jewelry is considered necessary.Then she dabs a bit of powder on her cheeks and the undersides of her chin and neck.
I stumble out of bed at 7.45 after effects of alcohol demurring my senses.Good someone's in the bathroom it gives me enough time to search for my aspirin without having to explain to her why I have the entire contents of my medication tool kit splattered over my unmade bed.
Her's on the other hand is immaculately clean.I made beds before but then again I slept well before.I don't remember much about yesterday.There was name calling,door banging and something else ..I might even have to pay him for damaging some of his aesthetic glassware.But right now my cell phone is hidden away in the most undiscovered places that the world has to offer and frankly I do not possess even an ounce of intention to perhaps hunt it down and come to terms with the consequences I would have to suffer for last night.
I felt mutant sore.
Numbness was the best best way to encounter social grudges.So here I was...numb.I glanced through the newspaper without really going through it.The usual fucking shit,why bother?

Then I am seated alongside consequences.Just for once I ventured astray,glimpsed at a few odd stars and finally retreated back home.I look like I haven't slept.
She walks in with a few flowers.I look perfectly calm whilst sipping my chamomile tea.My kitchen cabinet is an adobe for the most exotic varieties of tea..chamomile,jasmine,organic,green,earl grey,darjeeling orthodox tea,black lemon tea,tulsi pudina,ginger tea...the taste of tea calming my nerves is the only peace I've experienced after reckless nights.
She is beautiful...every step taken or to be taken bears witness to that.
Everything in my life seems diseased for now.I have research papers to write for the day.Some fucked up shit regarding ethics.I don't think I will be able to carry through with it.The numbness has clogged my brain.
"You look tired.." she smiles and I notice the stark and unpleasant whiteness of her teeth.Happy to have found a flaw I smile back."I had a rough night."

Day two

The true essence of life is misery itself.Misery that shapes you down under,beneath the crusty exteriors and the folded secrets.
HE: I am boring when I'm real
SHE: I could make do with that,what makes you think I am so interesting myself?

HE: I am no good judge of people but this I know.. you are "one good piece"
SHE: you should know..I'm a broken piece.

##He doesn't reply

So then I cling onto curtains and window frames throwing my luck out of the window and never looking back.Loneliness is a bent condition I could straighten it.Wash the essentials and clean the peripheries and write about it all the same.

Scene one: The city.
Winter has set in,the chill zooms past the morning breaths of dog walkers surveying the early morning routes of a city on the brink of the busiest day ever.Sometimes I think of myself as a mute spectator scurrying past my own life to get a good look at what I see.What I want on the contrary is underlined and never mentioned.

HE: Sometimes I think why did you ever have to go through the trouble of knowing me?
SHE: Honestly I don't know.I wish I did though..
HE: Of course you do! That's precisely what I am accusing you of.
SHE: Well then I might just be a little slow in figuring that out.
HE: You always have answers don't you?
SHE: Well I'd like to believe that when I am with you.
HE: What if you don't have an answer to a question I ask you someday?
SHE: Try me.

The sun would be out any second now indulging my sickly pale skin in its lucid warmth and glow.This lonely spot would now be a traffic maniacs destiny.Farewell dew,morning joggers,dog walkers..oh you gem of people.Life is more fun when you drive a car they say.Picture pretty right.My job here is done.

SHE: You spoil me.
HE: Yes I do. Do you like it?

Day one.

Furious thunderdrops lashed out at this strickenly pale season.Gloomy sullen behaviour took its toll on the misfortunate lot.I collected the leaf and the twig and walked home,inhaling the pleasant aroma that cast dampness on the ground below.I must have looked haggard as i held that miserable wet itchy twig in my hand.

walk walk walk walk

How can I let things get to my head? They pinched at places my nerve endings intersected.

walk walk walk walk

I try to avoid the traffic and smuggle myself between two parked cars.I brush my skirt across a greased surface and that long red hippie like thing stains black.I feel like the Dixie chick who got her wedding dress stained on purpose.Only this isn't a wedding dress and I didn't stain it on purpose.
Well wishers have advised me not,I repeat not to walk more than three kilometers by myself.That is not what a girl with meaning would do or whatever.But I think my funny little slippers and my hippie attire would carry me anywhere I want as long as Jordanian's are not around the corner to molest me.