I am glad I get to you, in bits and pieces though, I still get to you.
I recite my thoughts like a hymn waiting to unfold, itchy at the edges. My life somehow makes sense when sprawled across a post it.
I define my own tools and I define my failure and I notice.
Anger and creative hindsight – these are the tools with which I learn best. I guess I am not ashamed of being angry anymore, or bored or indifferent. I hung my shame out to dry and wither in the hot summer sun.
Having done that I now trust all the unfairness in the world to shake things up and stir up a storm.
If I see a beautiful bald woman and I can’t write about her – I call it a failure. I define my own failures.
I did see her today; she was the most beautiful woman I saw in a very long time. She was dressed all summery ready to swallow the sun if she had to, with piercing eyes that could take or leave all. I realized it wasn’t her beauty that wrecked me; it was something that clamored back at me when she looked me in the eye.
Where does she get that perverse yet astonishingly satishfying freedom from? - the one thing that I have been looking for all my life.
Happy fucking woman’s day – I mutter under my breath.
I don’t get what Woman’s Day is about – yes I am grumpy and no I didn’t dress up; yes I didn’t do my hair. Yes I got drunk, yes I’m in love, no I don’t do God anymore, or marriage – the institution repels me, suffocates me. I could do yoga, I could never give up meat, I am not a limited edition.
I sweat the details, for all practical purposes I adore the wrong kind of men, adulthood won me over when I was five.
I am not very excited about being a woman, probably because I am a feminist and I chose to run to the man I love to help me fix things I broke in the first place.
But I refuse to be a Stepford wife, I refuse to be told right and wrong because who let you decide all that stuff in the first place anyway.
Why be told you’ve come a long way? Isn’t that limiting ambition? Why be told you are lucky to be where you are? Is that what we are going to do – keep telling ourselves how lucky we are? That we weren’t burnt or scarred or raped? Is that what we want to live off for the rest of our lives – luck? And what if we happen to be not so lucky one of these days? Would we have run out of luck?
I get what tradition is all about – I however fail to understand what losing freedom is all about.
That kind of submission is worse than rectal smuggling.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot – I notice. I notice the way you hold your coffee mug – I think it is truly fucked up.
Yours Sincerely,
More bad grammar and lazy writing.
